Finis.

I have crossed the finish line. Well…maybe not, because I am a firm believer that life is always a work in progress and that it’s the journey and not the finish line that is worthwhile. So, I haven’t crossed the finish line, but…! I do feel so much more integrated. I feel whole. I am whole. Talking about getting over my divorce just doesn’t seem relevant anymore. It has been six months – hurrah! I think that I have bigger fish to fry.

Will sit in the frying pan for a bit and see what I come up with next.

Loss

It amazes me how out of touch people can be with their feelings.  It is as if the world is running on auto-pilot, and people are just moving through their lives.  I used to have that approach – when I was in my early 20′s – but I try not to anymore.  Now, my feelings act as guideposts through life.  It reminds me of the line in Star Wars (we were snowed in this weekend and had a marathon) – Trust your feelings, Luke.  The times when I have not trusted my feelings (like in my recent marriage), I have gotten into trouble.

So, imagine my surprise, when I checked in with my feelings yesterday and found that I was really missing Jim.  Missing all of the good things about him, and there were many good things, or I wouldn’t have married him.

I think that I was getting a bit stir crazy yesterday – being homebound with the kids since Thursday afternoon because of the storms.  I felt irritable and was snapping at them.  This is not where I want to be, I thought.  Putting my hand on my heart space, I checked in, asking myself what I was feeling and what was really going on inside of me.  I felt sad.  I felt off-balance.  The text messages from Jim had brought him back into my thoughts, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the good times that we shared together.  I missed him.

I don’t like to feel this way, but I do.  And I certainly do not want to deny my feelings any more than I already have.  It’s only been four months.  We were married.  I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with him.  I miss him.  He’s still a jerk.  And I miss him.

My intention for this week is to mourn and grieve the loss of Jim.  I’m giving myself an entire week to do this again.  It’s hard – I want to go into anger, but I am trying to focus on the grief instead and remember the positive things.  My goal is to be able to wish him well and say good-bye to him with compassion and love in my heart.  Maybe even forgiveness.  I can miss him, while knowing that I deserve so much better from a partner and do not want him in my life any longer.

Phantom Lover

I received two text messages yesterday from Jim.  They were innocuous – about a television show – and yet they left me off balance.  It is second nature to analyze it and give far more time to the matter than it deserves.

And then, I picked up The Celtic Spirit:  Daily Meditations for the Turning Year, and, behold, for 22 January.

When we interact with phantom lovers, we draw upon the image of the ideal man or woman to which we naturally gravitate.  The problem comes when we either project that image upon a living partner, relating to him in a totally false way, or become obsessed with the projected image and fall in love to the exclusion of our health and well-being…

When we project our ideal image upon a real person, we create terrible confusion and heartache.  We also expose ourselves to unsuitable relationships and even violent abuse:  because we are in thrall to the ideal image, we do not see that its mundane reflection is not worthy of our love. [Aha! This last sentence is so key for me!] The phantom lover speaks to us of things that are attractive but unrealistic.  It is essential that we become aware of the reality of the situation and make a clear separation between the phantom lover as ideal image, our actual human partner, and the true image of our soul – the anima or animus.  Finally, we should not confuse phantom lovers with our soul’s beloved, the one who is the true friend of the soul and certainly no deceiver.

It is true.  I have had a brush with a phantom lover.  I even married him.  I did not see him for who he really is because I was looking at something that was really part of me.  He is a Love Talker in the truest sense – speaking to me of things so appealing yet only an illusion.  I fell prey to this trap – his and my own.

How does one avoid such traps?  How can I ensure that I am not projecting my own ideals onto another?

Of course, these are issues that I am currently working through in therapy on my journey to wholeness.  I want to be a whole person once again who does not engage in such illusions.  Unfortunately, I cannot ensure my emotional safety until I am presented with another relationship.  Only then, will I be able to vigilantly watch myself and take steps towards honoring my true self and my needs while in relationship with another.  I know that I am not ready for this step, because I do not trust that I will honor myself in these ways.  I fear that I will think that I am being authentic and honoring my needs, while I am continuing the same patterns of projecting, accepting less than I am worth, and making excuses for that.  This is what happened with Jim.  I will only be ready to begin a new relationship, when I can trust that I will take care of myself and honor my value and worth.

However long that takes, I do not know.  I certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life alone.  But I also do not want to spend the rest of my life with a partner who is not worthy of my love and who treats me with disrespect.  My friends joke that I “dodged a bullet” with Jim.  And I agree, in that I am relieved because I will not be spending the rest of my life in such a negative and abusive situation.  I am relieved that I found out the truth beneath the illusion as quickly as I did.  However long it takes, I need to honor myself and give myself the time that I need. 

I am working so hard to heal.  I do not know how to really go about changing such engrained patterns and healing in a way that I can protect myself from future missteps.  I have come to realize that I cannot do this alone.  There is an unseen element that I have no control over and in whose hands the ultimate outcome lies.  In the moments between, Spirit can help me to dissolve these patterns, if I only surrender.  I cannot do this alone.  I trust that it will all come to pass in its own time.  And, until then, all that I can do is keep taking steps towards becoming the person I have always been and want to be again – my authentic self.

Being in the Present

A few nights ago, my eldest daughter was talking with her grandmother on the telephone.  They were discussing their upcoming trip together to the Galapagos Islands.  My mother decided to take each of her grandchildren on a trip sometime after their thirteenth birthdays.  She and my eldest decided on a National Geographic Expedition to the Galapagos.  It will surely be a trip of a lifetime!  As they were discussing reading material for their upcoming trip, my mother must have asked if she was getting excited and starting to plan for their trip in May.  I heard my daughter reply, “No, I try to stay in the present and focus on all that I have going on right in front of me.”

Wiser words never escaped a fourteen year old’s lips.  I remember thinking to myself, “Did I ever understand this and practice it?  Have I merely forgotten it, or did I ever even know?” 

Regardless of whether I ever possessed this skill, it is one that I am now cultivating.  The past is done, and there is nothing that I can do to change it, regardless of how I feel about it.  The future is beyond me, and while what I do in the present does affect it, to experience worry or anxiety around it is futile.  Any expectations that I may have about the future are subject to life and cannot be controlled nor relied upon.  Therefore, the only thing that I can control is right here in front of me, in the present.  I can choose my thoughts, actions, and feelings in the present.  I can choose my focus.  Focusing on the past and present are illusory, for the present is the only thing that is real.

Yeah, yeah.  I know it’s easier said than done.  I cannot tell you how many times in the day I need to bring my focus back to the present.  It is constant.  And, I believe that if I continue this practice, then one day, in the future, it will be as automatic for me as it is for my daughter.

Chronic over-achiever

From my most favorite astrologer evah!  I have been loving his horoscopes for over twenty years.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): This would be an excellent time for you to do a lot less of everything. You’re entering a phase when you can actually help your long-term goals by being less ambitious. The point is not to give up your drive to succeed, but rather just put it to sleep for a while. Let it recharge. Allow it to draw energy from the deeper psychic sources that it tends to get cut off from when it’s enmeshed in the frenzy of the daily rhythm. Do you have the courage to not work so much, not try so hard, and not push so relentlessly?

I believe that this is easier said than done.  I would like to say that I have the courage to do so; however, truth be told that it is very difficult for me to not try nor push.  Whether this is because I am lacking in courage or simply a character flaw (glass full perspective would be that it is an asset) is unknown.  Still, apparently this is what I am to do this coming week or perhaps longer.

When I take a step back and get some perspective, I have done A LOT these past four months.  It has really only been four months since my ex-husband left my home.  The first month was grueling, and all of my trying to make our marriage work was consuming.  It was one month before I found out the truth – or at least enough of the truth to know that he had been living a lie for over half of our short marriage and to shift my focus from making the marriage work to getting out of a farce of a marriage.  The second month was spent on logistics of filing for divorce, cutting ties, and getting all of his stuff out of my home and out of my life.  I was so angry.  The third month was spent grieving and hoping (one last time) that perhaps he really could change and be the man that he had convinced me he was when we married.  The fourth month was overwhelmed by the holidays and just trying to get by and accomplish my goals in the spare time that was left to me.  And, through all of that, I have started writing faithfully, made a good show of getting my house in order, continued to work and nurture friendships, single-parented three children (with all of the taxiing, meetings, lunches, and sleep-overs that entails), and dove head first into intensive self-reflection and emotional healing.  Oh yeah, did I happen to mention that the holidays were sandwiched in there as well?!

I suppose that if that is not over-achieving, working hard, and pushing relentlessly, well, then I do not know what is.

It is no wonder that I have so many loose ends.  Perhaps it is physically impossible to complete all that I set out to do.  Perhaps there are not enough hours in the day and loose ends are an inevitability.  My “ooh there’s a shiny object!” syndrome certainly does not help the matter.

So…  What am I going to do this coming week(s), as I do a lot less of everything?  Ever-ambitious, I am tempted to focus on how I can simplify my life and not do so much so consistently.  Or at least how to focus my energy, so that I can complete that which I set out to do and do so in a realistic and non-exhausting manner.  However, focusing on such goals would be continuing to work and try so hard in my never-ending quest for authenticity.

Instead, I’m going to make a cup of tea, go to bed, and read.  Good night.

Time

I do not understand how anyone could ever be bored.  There are so many exciting things in this world to engage with.  There is not enough time to do it all.  I used to repeatedly remind myself that I have the rest of my life to do everything that I want.  However, that “rest of my life” seems much shorter now that I am in my forties.  I feel a newfound sense of urgency to make my life what I want it to be.

How do I spend my time?  Do I use my time wisely?  How can I optimize the time that I have?

Working from home and being a single mother to three children presents its own time dilemma.  I am challenged to utilize my time efficiently – eternally seeking the perfect balance between home, work, children and me.  The quest is daunting.  Recently, I have not felt very successful at achieving any sort of balance.  The computer is a time suck, and, at the present, I really should be hanging up laundry or working in my home office instead of here on the computer.  I need to start setting limits with myself when it comes to Facebook.  No more keeping it in the background while I write.

What is important to me in my life?  Is my time spent a reflection of these values?

This week, my focus is on being present with my children.  However, when I woke up yesterday morning, I started to feel anxious because I wasn’t going to be able to get all of my errands done (changing my name being on the top of that list and necessitating a trip to the nearest “big enough” town where there is a DMV).  My eldest daughter was home sick.  I considered leaving her at home, as she wasn’t too sick, and making the trip anyway.  But then, I remembered my intention for the week.  And here (presented to me by The Universe, thank you very much) was an opportunity to go with my intention instead of all of the “need to’s” and “should’s”  running around in my head.  It felt so good to stay how with her, especially since she is now in high school and there won’t be too many more opportunities for me to mother her, when she is feeling ill.  I cherished every moment of getting her tea and checking on her to make sure she wasn’t feeling worse and to ask if she needed anything.  Maternal bliss.

I would like to have more experiences like that.  Where I am flexible and willing to adjust my schedule in order to give myself and others what is needed in the present moment.  I want to be more attached to relationships and experiences than my agenda of should’s.  In the meanwhile, I am going to spend some time looking at my regular daily schedule.  I want to schedule in more down-time – time to read and write.  I want to be more focused in my work time, so that I can maximize my energies there.  I want to look at the ways in which I spend time on activities that don’t really nurture and fulfill me (like watching too much television or spending too much time on the computer) and adjust my habits.

I want to savor every moment.  Is what I am doing right now in service to me and my needs and goals? 

Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick.

What’s in a name?

My divorce paperwork arrived on Friday.  It is official.  I am divorced.  There were no snags or snafus.  He did not protest nor did he ask for money that he was not entitled to.  I need to delete all of the abusive voicemails, text messages, and bullying emails.  I need to delete him from my life.  I am divorced.

Once again, I have the name that was given to me at birth.  I have not been this person for over fifteen years.  Full circle?

So, of course, I had to do the numerology on my given name.  The name that I once again have and will have until the day that I leave this life.  I am not going to change my name, if I ever marry again.  I will go to the DMV and Social Security this week and get it changed officially.

 

Thank you, Paul Sadowski:

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented by the number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the ‘big brother or big sister’ type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It’s possible that you’re not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 5

A Soul Urge number of 5 means:
The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.

In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced.

You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don’t want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.

Your Inner Dream number is: 4

An Inner Dream number of 4 means:
You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

Poem

I am still angry.  I cannot help myself, nor do I think that it is necessary to do so.  I am angry and feel betrayed and used.  Writing is a good outlet for processing these feelings.

****************************

Never a man was called a whore
Though actions indicate.
Woman “pony up”, so he adore
And smiles intimate

That if you do, you shall receive
The greatest gift of all.
And if you don’t, he shall deceive,
Enticing you to fall.

What to name he that take and take?
With wandering eye implies:
You pay, he fucks, you cry, the rake!
Succumbing to his lies.

A name, I beg, identify
Emotional drama such.
The threats behavior doth imply
Woman of man a crutch.

Never a man was called a whore
Though actions indicate.
She pays for love, him nothing more.
A whore?  I reiterate.

Re-enchantment

Anais Nin quotes.  Inspiring!

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

And, this one is particularly fitting given my recent transition and no longer being a married woman.

Love never dies a natural death.  It dies because we don’t know how to replenish it’s source.  It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.  It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

Most mornings, I read from Caitlin Matthews’ The Celtic Spirit:  Daily Meditations for the Turning Year, and I have been doing so for about five years now.  This morning, I read about re-enchantment.  It reminded me of a blog that I started a year ago.  I am famous for starting blogs and other projects, and then they fizzle.  Enchanting Souls is the name of the blog.

My creative energy is fiery – sparking without notice and receding into a smolder just as quickly.  Taking the fire metaphor to heart, perhaps I need to have a bit more oxygen (read breathing room!) in my life in order to stoke the flame.  Regardless, I have a history of starts and beginnings that just drift off or worse fall off the face of the earth.  One of my intentions for the coming months is to tie up some loose ends (there are many) in my life.  I want to do this before I jump into new beginnings.

Another issue that I grapple with is the multiple faces of me.  My personality is a rich tapestry of traits.  Sometimes the tapestry flows and other times it seems dissonant that two interests or traits would exist next to each other.  Therefore, I have various outlets for the various facets – nary the two shall meet.  In tying up loose ends, I am going to merge this blog with Enchanting Souls (the merger being my brainchild of the morning).  They represent two different parts of my journey; however, both are me. 

I will be reposting my previous blog here on occasion.  Post Number One…

 

Sing me home

I wish that someone would sing me to sleep.  Sing to me of who I am, where I have been and where I am going.  Reconnect me with my self and the story that I have told myself often, yet not heard enough, about who I am.

Daily life disconnects me from my self.  It sends me mad and reeling through the forest of illusion.  And I cannot remember who I am.

Sing me to sleep.  Sing me home.  Re-enchant my soul.  In the beginning, there was sound.

The Foundation

There are holes in my foundation.  They have been there since before I can remember.  There may have never been a time that they weren’t there…perhaps in my mother’s womb? 

I have known this for awhile now and often thought that I was actively filling them in.  My short-lived marriage is evidence of all of the ways in which I have not.  Holes remain.  All of that is going to change!

I am committed to filling in that foundation.  Filling in the holes and making it solid, so that I am always supported and whole.  Me.  Whole.  All of my own accord and being.  No one else is going to fill in those holes for me.  I must do it myself – once and for all.  It excites me.  And, I need a positive and excited focus with the closure that is coming today.  It excites me to imagine what my life will be like, when I have a solid foundation.

Pondering… hmmm… what would that look like?

I can see myself… knowing who I am and what my values are and being completely comfortable with that.  I feel complete regardless of the relationships that I have with others or the world, because my relationship with myself is rich and full.  I trust my intuitions and feelings and am not afraid to act swiftly and fearlessly on those, when needed.  I know what I want (and do not want) in my life and take decisive action to create the life that I desire.  I do not apologize for being me.  I feel confident, worthwhile, and self-assured.  Every action, feeling, and thought is based on something that is solid and filled with love.  Love of myself can fill in those holes.

This sounds like a nice way to live.  And I say that from a real and authentic perspective.  I already have some of this in my life now.  The foundation has holes; it is not nonexistent.  My goal is to live in this manner and have it be completely and authentically running through me.  Not just something I feel depending on my mood or what’s happening in my life, but something that I feel all the way down to my toes every moment of the day. 

Maybe that’s not realistic…I don’t know.  But I think that feeling that way 85% of the time is very realistic, and that is what I would like.  I think that right now I only feel it 60% of the time – which isn’t bad, considering that’s over half of the breaths that I take in my life. 

2010.  85%.