I received two text messages yesterday from Jim. They were innocuous – about a television show – and yet they left me off balance. It is second nature to analyze it and give far more time to the matter than it deserves.
And then, I picked up The Celtic Spirit: Daily Meditations for the Turning Year, and, behold, for 22 January.
When we interact with phantom lovers, we draw upon the image of the ideal man or woman to which we naturally gravitate. The problem comes when we either project that image upon a living partner, relating to him in a totally false way, or become obsessed with the projected image and fall in love to the exclusion of our health and well-being…
When we project our ideal image upon a real person, we create terrible confusion and heartache. We also expose ourselves to unsuitable relationships and even violent abuse: because we are in thrall to the ideal image, we do not see that its mundane reflection is not worthy of our love. [Aha! This last sentence is so key for me!] The phantom lover speaks to us of things that are attractive but unrealistic. It is essential that we become aware of the reality of the situation and make a clear separation between the phantom lover as ideal image, our actual human partner, and the true image of our soul – the anima or animus. Finally, we should not confuse phantom lovers with our soul’s beloved, the one who is the true friend of the soul and certainly no deceiver.
It is true. I have had a brush with a phantom lover. I even married him. I did not see him for who he really is because I was looking at something that was really part of me. He is a Love Talker in the truest sense – speaking to me of things so appealing yet only an illusion. I fell prey to this trap – his and my own.
How does one avoid such traps? How can I ensure that I am not projecting my own ideals onto another?
Of course, these are issues that I am currently working through in therapy on my journey to wholeness. I want to be a whole person once again who does not engage in such illusions. Unfortunately, I cannot ensure my emotional safety until I am presented with another relationship. Only then, will I be able to vigilantly watch myself and take steps towards honoring my true self and my needs while in relationship with another. I know that I am not ready for this step, because I do not trust that I will honor myself in these ways. I fear that I will think that I am being authentic and honoring my needs, while I am continuing the same patterns of projecting, accepting less than I am worth, and making excuses for that. This is what happened with Jim. I will only be ready to begin a new relationship, when I can trust that I will take care of myself and honor my value and worth.
However long that takes, I do not know. I certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. But I also do not want to spend the rest of my life with a partner who is not worthy of my love and who treats me with disrespect. My friends joke that I “dodged a bullet” with Jim. And I agree, in that I am relieved because I will not be spending the rest of my life in such a negative and abusive situation. I am relieved that I found out the truth beneath the illusion as quickly as I did. However long it takes, I need to honor myself and give myself the time that I need.
I am working so hard to heal. I do not know how to really go about changing such engrained patterns and healing in a way that I can protect myself from future missteps. I have come to realize that I cannot do this alone. There is an unseen element that I have no control over and in whose hands the ultimate outcome lies. In the moments between, Spirit can help me to dissolve these patterns, if I only surrender. I cannot do this alone. I trust that it will all come to pass in its own time. And, until then, all that I can do is keep taking steps towards becoming the person I have always been and want to be again – my authentic self.
