It amazes me how out of touch people can be with their feelings. It is as if the world is running on auto-pilot, and people are just moving through their lives. I used to have that approach – when I was in my early 20′s – but I try not to anymore. Now, my feelings act as guideposts through life. It reminds me of the line in Star Wars (we were snowed in this weekend and had a marathon) – Trust your feelings, Luke. The times when I have not trusted my feelings (like in my recent marriage), I have gotten into trouble.
So, imagine my surprise, when I checked in with my feelings yesterday and found that I was really missing Jim. Missing all of the good things about him, and there were many good things, or I wouldn’t have married him.
I think that I was getting a bit stir crazy yesterday – being homebound with the kids since Thursday afternoon because of the storms. I felt irritable and was snapping at them. This is not where I want to be, I thought. Putting my hand on my heart space, I checked in, asking myself what I was feeling and what was really going on inside of me. I felt sad. I felt off-balance. The text messages from Jim had brought him back into my thoughts, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the good times that we shared together. I missed him.
I don’t like to feel this way, but I do. And I certainly do not want to deny my feelings any more than I already have. It’s only been four months. We were married. I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with him. I miss him. He’s still a jerk. And I miss him.
My intention for this week is to mourn and grieve the loss of Jim. I’m giving myself an entire week to do this again. It’s hard – I want to go into anger, but I am trying to focus on the grief instead and remember the positive things. My goal is to be able to wish him well and say good-bye to him with compassion and love in my heart. Maybe even forgiveness. I can miss him, while knowing that I deserve so much better from a partner and do not want him in my life any longer.
